Before I Throw It Out VIII

Wednesday, October 2019, 2019

Hi Alice, it's always nice to be honest with yourself. As a person, you have a positive attributes as well as flaws. Situations and stages of life people find themselves in are all results of series of choices. Perception is fluid; favor is relative. These are all facts if life that you have come to know and hopefully understand.

Seeking a marriage mate or going to SKE as a single sister. Pros and cons, sacrifices and gains to all possibilities. This is a massive Punnett Square in my head but it doesn't have to be. If you need paper, use the paper.

SKE

Why do you want to go to SKE? The highest form of education Jah offers a single sister. Since I am one, go for it. "Might as well go as far as I can before someone comes along, so I can say I did it." There it is, just so I can say I did it. For glory from man? To hear praise from others? This praise has always been a by-product of decisions I've made with doing what's right in Jah's eyes as the sole purpose. This time, though, it seems that my motivation and its by-product are flipped, 로꾸꺼.

If so, why do you not forego this plan? If your purpose is incorrect? Because it is good, it is encouraged by others, because it truly can please Jehovah. This is what moves your brain. Because you have seen others succeed in going, and I don't want to be left behind, visible as the one who isn't good enough. There it is, how I imagine others would see me. And they are right if they see it as so, for it is the truth, for I have not worked hard as I should or if I had correct motivation. But the more I hang on by spite in fear and desperation, the more visible it is. It shows.

There is shame, from the lack of progress, from the lack of statistics, from the lack of results. But all this comes from lack of effort, lack of self-control, lack of focus. There is disappointment in myself. There is shame in being exposed, before time and discernment, for imperfection by choice. This is why I ran, run.

But the more I run, the farther I get from that vain glory, much less from His favor. Irony and folly, you best buds.

Now it's time to retrace my steps.

Can I yank myself into 100% for Jah's service and completely out of glory of man? I thought I could. I thought I could still get on the right track, but that thought still was only for face. I need Jehovah's help and honesty, facing my erroneous thinking straight, for true change.

Knowing this, how do I regain focus? Sometimes I fall into the hole of thinking back to "how did au keep focused before?", thinking that first year was perfect. But you better know,

不要说：“为什么以前的日子比现在好？”你这样问没有智慧。

Do not say, "Why were the former days better than these?" for it is not out of wisdom that you ask this.

"어째서 옛날이 지금보다 나은가?"하고 묻지 마라. 그렇게 묻는 것은 지혜로운 일이 아니다.

Ne dis pas : "Pourquoi les jours d'autrefois étaient-ils meilleurs que ceux-ci?" Car ce n'est pas la sagesse qui te dictés cette question.

Ecc. 7:10

Objectively seeing that it wasn't perfect, and that the future will keep coming as new chances to truly carpe diem. That's a lot of comfort, a weight off my shoulders. Shame is real and stems from somewhere, so let it be. But I will not reject anymore Jehovah's true view of me, nor his efforts to energize me and help me grow.

So what is my focus now? I want to do everything, so I send up not giving my all in anything. XinYing cut straight through my self-facing mask and observed that I have been running around with my feet off the ground, engine started but swinging between paths and steering toward nowhere.

Pick. Choose. Be responsible. What do you want?

"Get to know" does not equal dating. Must get to know before decide to date.

Okay for SKE application.

SKE to serve Jah, for serving Jah. Doesn't matter what others say, whether I get called now or later, or never. To let him know I want to keep working for him and by action, show I am actually available.

Improve comprehensive ministry skills. Study building and solidifying.

Bethel work, dream.

Where do I see myself in the future?

I want to be married, to someone who will choose Jah's priorities before his family's. In China or in Bethel. I don't see married life in Canada. I don't see long-term single life in China.

Be a force in the ministry, not the supporting encouragement crew. Don't exert in what you do not primarily seek to do.

An SKE application is not a badge of spirituality.

SKE application now

Gains

- strengthening education

- expanded opportunity to serve allow Jah to guide

**if work hard**

Sacrifices

- a potential good match

- a mate to enjoy SKE with

- heart will keep searching for a mate

- ask parents to wait

Dating now

Gains

- potential good match

- ease yearning of heart

- family eased

**if right match**

Sacrifices

- one year's application period

- title as single sister going to SKE right now

- expectations from others

Editor's note: hashed out right before CO visit, right after 소개 받기. My thoughts have since evolved, but once upon a time, these were the dilemmas of my heart.