Finding the Rabbit Hole

Thuraday, April 30, 2020

Amidst a few more days of putting off replying to people, I encountered an unexpected wave of external negativity that was both disheartening and awakening. I just came out of a YouTube comment war, for voicing my care and observations. It's my first time getting haters! Hey, I guess it means they boys made it big enough now. I'm dragging and clawing my way through, but I'm determined to exit in one piece.

I have always been careful to be neutral and honest, commenting only on universally observable facts, so I never thought I would attract hate. I didn't know it would affect me this much either, putting me into a very interesting funk. Kinda hurt by the community, kinda put off of participating in comeback activities, and also kinda relieved that I got a reality check out of this. This world really does not care what you think about anything. 

I had invested my time and energy into relationships that have nothing to do with my life, robbing the real relationships that have supported me until now. Ironically, this has made me even more self-centered. What pulls me to this world of supporting someone else's productivity when it continuously diminishes my own? This was a perfect wake-up call for me to stop running away from my own responsibilities.

At the same time, it made me realize a problem that I do have, that I think too highly of my own understanding. It's an iceberg effect, I think I know everything when my insight, while possibly correct, is not comprehensive. Or vice versa. I have always tried so hard to avoid coming off like this, but alas, if my heart is like this, it leaks out. I guess that's part of why I went through that documentary-watching phase. Not intended, but that's how it ended.

Another layer that pops up in my head, as I try to brush off the hurt and distaste, is how this is exactly what public figures have to deal with, in much bigger proportions. The Dreamies, from such a young age, open to public critique. The cooking YouTuber, trying to amass a bigger audience, on a public chopping block. Any artist, any musician, anyone with a name strangers are able to utter, at the mercy of opinionated voices with no responsibilities. Johnny spent ten years keeping and building that self-assurance up, and it doesn't always get easier with time. Mark, despite his mild image, must keep a strong enough ego to keep himself protected. And Haechan, my dear Haechan, has to deal with all kinds of world and self as he grows. Respect swells as I consider the battlefield they face and choose to calm everyday.

Such vulnerability as the cost of potential recognition and acknowledgment from a cold world. How much confidence and reassurance would they need to digest these warranted and unwarranted words that come their way each time? If supporters exist, at least one hater will balance the scale. For the fame, the glory or the art, it's simply a price to pay. And the only thing that would motivate anyone to shell out so much for it, is inherent and absolute love for that fame, glory, art.

But that's not where my love lies. This is not my world, not my life, not my desire. Then why do I linger here, where I don't belong?

The crux of it all: in momentarily running away from my responsibilities to the things I do love, I found myself trying to fit in--in a place I do not belong. This is where I lost myself, this is my rabbit hole.

So I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Goodbye, boys of the past, boys of the present, boys of the future. It has been an amazing fever dream decade, but now I lay down my teacup and saucer. May you find true purpose in life in time. I must now return to mine.