Where do I go from here

I know I can't stay, yet I feel like my decisions are out of spite.

I've left the beaten path, but can't move forward; why?

When I think there's nobody looking, I do nothing. Not out of contentment; the opportunities still gnaw at my insides to stand up. The gravity of my avoidance, ignorance, anchor me.

Is it pretentiousness, or genuine misunderstanding of my abilities?

I can't search for an answer within me, because I won't find one. I know this, deep down, so I have to stop thinking I will. Accept some help, will ya. I have the wisest guidance in the universe and I've been choosing to ignore it. How much sillier can I get.

So, action plan. Destination: action.
- publish white paper
- find a new part-time benefit job
- find him
- learn to schedule less things in one day
- learn to schedule down time and email time
- pray