Before I Throw It Out X (Musings of a Double-Teen, Part 1)

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

If I can poke fun again

If I can look at you without wincing

From shame

If I can laugh without compensating

For the opportunities lost and silence gained

If I can greet with ease

Inquire with genuine care

Answer with warmth

If I can remove all the tendrils of my consciousness, the six feet radius 

That detect any of your presence, shift, scorn, retreat

Then perhaps

Perhaps it means I have returned

You to your original place

Which is where I’d love for you to be

And love for me to be

I know I’m getting closer

Bridging the gap between the past and the future

I ride the wave that takes me farther

Away from the fog and into

The light, the rays from afar

And I ardently wait and eagerly run towards it

I leave you behind

Along with my dreams and ideals of once upon a time

There ahead, where the contrast makes the fog grey

The wind is calm and the air is warm

I grow

I grow without you

My once upon a time

That’s where I’d love for you to be

I leave me behind

Along with all the treasured intel I collected

I grow

I grow out of once upon a time

Sunday, May 22, 2022

What I wish I knew, what I didn't know

All I wanted was to be like you

And at the same time, I swore I'd never do

What you did, carve my own path and pave it

Where it led, a city of purpose and peace built with

The faith of a twenty-something-year-old kid

If you chip off a corner, it tastes like skittles

Saccharine sculpture with a waterproof glaze

I thought I'd withstand the rain

But it rains here daily

45 out of 60 days

Only years later do I look in the puddle, asking

Was I too young for too long

And oblivious of true wrongs

April 7, 2022

If I don't start somewhere, I'm afraid that these knots will become part of me.

I don't want growths to deform me silently. I want to treat them and let incisions heal, continuing to walk and remembering the lessons learned.

March 30, 2022

Another year

Another photo in the same location

Another year

I'm still here

Taking the same photo

What has changed?

During these months

All that has happened

Have become me

Where are they?

Which parts of me right now are fresh from the year? How do they behave?

Hopefully they equip me for the year to come

Healed me, taught me, burned me, caught me

Off-guard but brought me

Back on track

February 11, 2022

Actually

I wanted nothing more than to be basic

But I ended up being anything but

Inadvertently

My shoes were different, my pants were different, my bag was different

I was a snowflake, made by nature,

Who just wanted to melt

February 3, 2022

Why do I care what people say?

Because I didn't know people said things like this

And now that I know, I am horrified

That such words can cause such pain

I developed a fear

And my life goals were no longer my own

but preventing such things being said about me.

Why am I afraid

January 28, 2022

Pick up your jaw

Nod your head at the hurricane

It moves and so do you

Salute the clouds that roll away

They'll come back as they please

The car that honks, the bike that speeds

The cedar losing needles

Just music in the background that fades

Dust off and be on your way

Also January 28, 2022

What good is telling others I have a voice when I can't hear it myself?

January 21, 2022

There are some days

When you say goodbye

And you feel like you can finally breathe again

So take a break

Stay awake

But one day

When you say goodbye

There will be nothing but silence that greets you

Hope you will remember

The smiles and love that once bid you good night