Gambling

We are all adults here.

I laid things out on the table and placed my wager, heavier than all the other parts of my life--the parts that I've treasured so much and have therefore stopped me from doing this in times past--combined. I don't even care about the payout at this point, the act of going all in is the monumental feat here. Here lies my volta, my fulcrum, my detour.

I have ideas, I see consequences, and I weigh them all carefully. I have never, ever, followed my heart. I have never trusted it to help me become the person I want to be, for I've seen, all too well and all too often, its lack of navigational reliability. I still don't want to, it scares the heck out of me to do something that is powered by the cardiac cavity, the brain knowing full-well that shaking the table will send the dominoes tumbling down.

What did I just do with my life? How did I change as a person? Did I just cave under pressure? What have I done in loyalty to her? How do I view myself in having done this?

The one ultimate value, the only value, in doing this is buying out my freedom. I can move on, walking away from this table. All the chips in, close my eyes and walk away. I'm not playing anymore. Time keeps moving and so can I, so will I.

I just wish we can all still be friends, better friends than before, even. This is the only thing I want. I trust that it can happen, I have no reservations. My reaction will be the same regardless of the result. Retiring from the hustle, I'm easing into my beach chair and I'm welcoming all to join me.

[If I don't think it awkward, then it won't be so. If I remain kind and respectful, then it will roll away naturally. If I don't let this change my values, then it won't.]

We are all adults here, and I'm ready to bear the consequences of being one.